Now it’s Istanbul, not…
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I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
That's Hawaii roll…
A dead centipede.
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
I mean, it's not very hard.
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really… Bartender: What about that eye patch? Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye. Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit? Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
For Hispanic attacks.
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
You have my Word.
He was really good with his chord changes
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
I never strike in the same place twice.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
a pain in the ass
'Cos you're breathtaking..
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
But her aim is getting better!
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
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