Now That’s What I Call Boomer.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To take a photo in front of a church.
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.
The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.' "Why would I want a frog" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs….nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. "Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left