Now that’s what I call homicide 2019
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
Itβs always the centre of a tension.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. 'Gambling' she muttered. 'What kind of gambling?' the president asked. 'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.' 'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.' 'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. 'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!' 'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?' 'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. 'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!' The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. 'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?' 'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
βGod bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpaβ The father asked βwhy did you say good bye grandpa?β The little girl said βI donβt know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.β The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence. A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. βGod bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.β And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence. A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went βGod bless mommy, and good bye daddy.β Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened. He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. βI had the worst day of my life.β Said the father. βIf you think your day was hard, you wonβt believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!β
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
If I had a nickel for every time I didnβt know what was going on…
…Iβd be like βwhy do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?β
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. Β "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. Β One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" Β "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. Β "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. Β "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. Β "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.