Now this just fucking sucks
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.