Now we get to read the same joke twice!
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
Whatβs E.T. short for?
Because heβs got little legs
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
My deaf wife just told me that βwe need to talk.β
That was not a good sign.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, βFather,may I ask a favor?β
βOf course child. What can I do for you?β βWell, I bought an expensive womanβs electric hair dryer for my Motherβs birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and Iβm afraid theyβll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? βI would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.β βWith your honest face, Father, no one will question you.β When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, βFather, do you have anything to declare?β βFrom the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.β The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, βAnd what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?β βI have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.β Roaring with laughter, the official said, βGo ahead, Father. Next!
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
Iβm opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaminβ Catholic…
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".