Now we have something in common
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I donât know what the word âapocalypseâ means
Honestly, I donât see what the big deal is. Itâs not the end of the world.
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
Reddit one also true?
Reddit one also true?
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing âDanger Zoneâ nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxerâs kid.
She got sick of me.
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldnât control her pupils.
I canât believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making âFriendsâ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ainât afraid to die.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
Why is âyachtâ spelled that way instead of like âyot?â
Because why nacht.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person canât decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle