Now what? Watch TV while taking a bath?
What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"