Now with LifeLock protection
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
For hispanic attacks
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
Because you can't C in the dark.
Because he couldn't see that well
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
But apparently, I was too young…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
But I think people should romaine calm.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
A laughing stock!
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
A blast from the past
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
Lunch is on me
He saw the salad dressing.
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
^ That's a one in a million.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
….really give me the crêpes.
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
I’d have to legally change my name.
Cause they know he actually did it.