Now with LifeLock protection
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
![[O]f [C]ourse](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/0taecne88fh41-400x318.png)
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
