Now with LifeLock protection
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
A kid walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog..
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
