1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6