Now you know the bread needs *a* *death*

But you do need one to go skydiving twice

He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

The Majoerity

12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

I got to pass 8th grade.

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker

So I suggested Kay and Elle.

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I bet their wings would taste delicious!

Light blue.

Decalfeinated

I would probably only drive it from time to time

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."

How do you tell a good joke about time travel?

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Independent

We have to. She doesn't have one.

Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”

I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"

“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"

When it's clearly a word!

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"