Now you’re just some-DOBBY that I used to know…
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.
Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
