Nowadays, people can’t gwt thier faces iff thier phones 🙄😡
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
People always tell me I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
I’m Going to Kill that Parrot
A young women purchases a condo downtown. She is very excited as she can now walk to work every day. On her first day of walking to work she sees that there is a pet store on her way. As she gets closer, she notices that there is a parrot in front of the store sitting on a perch. When she gets closer, the parrot looks at her and says “Hey, lady!” The young woman warmly responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you’re ugly!” The young woman is shocked and says “that’s not very nice, leave me alone” and goes on about her way. The next day the young woman is on her way to work and she encounters the parrot again. The parrot says “Hey lady!” and the woman responds cautiously with “What Mr. Parrot?” And the parrot says “you’re really ugly!” The woman tells the parrot to shut up and goes on to work. This happens day after day after day until one day, after the parrot tells her she’s ugly, she loses her cool and marches into the store to find the manager. She explains to the manager that she is tired of being harassed by this bird and he better do something or she’s going to kill it. The manager calmly explains to her that he’ll talk to the parrot and it’ll never happen again. The very next day the young woman is on her way to work and sure enough, she sees the parrot. As she approaches, the parrot looks at her and says, “Hey lady!” She responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you know!”
