NSFW
Oral sex in the morning?
I call that a Head Start.
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!” "I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. "And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." “Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus.” says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right.” replies the barman. "The circus??” the duck asks again "…with, the big tent?” "Yeah.” the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course.” the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right.” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression.
Kikkoman when he's down, I guess.
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck