[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.