(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.”
The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy”
The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
Yo mamma’s so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning…
A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
