[NSFW] Carl what’s wrong with you??
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Birthday sex
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
A woman gets into a car accident. She is airlifted to the hospital.
The woman goes into surgery upon arrival and her husband is immediately called to come to the hospital. On arrival the husband is greeted by the surgeon. " You may want to have a seat" the surgeon says. "I have some bad news and some good news" The husband sits down nervously. "What's the bad news?" "Well" the surgeon says "your wife was involved in a car crash and we had to take her in for major surgery. She is alive but we had to take out a part of her brain to keep her alive. Unfortunately. She is unable to walk or talk anymore and will be unable to do anything independently. She will require 24/7 around the clock care, you will need to quit your job and help your wife eat, use the toilet and help feed her" The husband starts crying frantically. "Omg. What's happened to my life? Please please please. Tell me the good news" The surgeon replies "The good news is. I was joking. She's dead"
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!