NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?” The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.