NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
„Were you even listening to me?!“
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
Babies shouldn’t be delivered.
Livers are important.
I’m a social vegan
I avoid meet
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
I once went on a date with a cross eyed girl
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."