NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

And lowers it.

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

They’re always assembling

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.

He was an excellent ruler.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

pls ignore

He can now ride a bike without training wheels.

But it can't be that hard.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!

The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

I wonder how many people are in that field.

Donating 5 makes you a suspect

Now I drink alone.

Except sphere itself.

I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."

You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.

Because he's my newt

Clausterphobic

I sleep in the dark.

But I’m 2² to say it.

Thank You.

…is it still stationary?

Damn near poked my eye out.

Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”

Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!

The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably ​ …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL