[NSFW] Tracy doing the Lord’s work
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
The Greeks invented sex
The Italians just introduced it to women
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws