[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
A magician stops a woman on a street….
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. “Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But… what’s that in her HAND???” “It… it looks like…” “Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby