[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
Once you’ve seen one shopping center……
You’ve seen the mall.
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
