A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
1. 2. 3.
The doctor says it’s terminal.
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
A bus full of children
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
…until it is full groan.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
Between you and me, something smells.
Those were the days
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Because change comes from within.
thanks daylight savings
As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
Man: I’m .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
It was bread in captivity.
It was a high steaks mission.
You sheet metal.
His funeral was very low key
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"