Nuff’ said
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: I’m .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"