Nuff said
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
![[Onutė (a name) looks so natural.] [You’re right, when she was alive, she looked like a corpse already]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/kyk6460th3y41-400x479.jpg)
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
Farmer Joe’s bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again…
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
I bet prostitutes cause temporary blindness.
All they do is flash and bang people.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
