Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: I’m .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
