Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
A preacher’s wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher…
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher. "You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies. Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian." "No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham – The Damn Ham." "Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!" Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives. "Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?" "The Damn Ham," she tells him. "What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house." "No, dear, that's the name of this ham – The Damn Ham," she explains. "Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!" After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?" One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
This girl keeps coming into my pub holding up protest posters.
I think I'm going to banner.
This sub is going downhill
https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg
