Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
