O god 😂
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. “What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated. “You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.” “Really? It’s that easy?” “Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.” “Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?” “How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.” “Lee. I like it.” Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.” “I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.” Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. “Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. “Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
