O god 😂
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
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An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"