Obamagate in a nutshell
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
Soviet Joke about Jews.
Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says: “Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” – "Chicken!" – "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: – "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" – "Son, how do you go to school every day?" – "By car dad!" – "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: – "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” – "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" – "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” – "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not