Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams