*object falls* energy:
Why donât you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
What do you call a elephant dancing in a china shop?
Break dancing
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
People are going crazy from being in isolation!
Actually, Iâve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didnât mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isnât that pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic⌠told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didnât say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and then…. The curtains told me to pull myself together!
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
âShit I canât go home like this my wife will kill meâ The bartender sees this and says âput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningâ. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies âa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningâ. To which his wife says âOk well then why do you have $40 in your hand?â âBecause he also shit in my pants.â
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlovâs dog and SchrĂśdingerâs cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasnât sure if it was there or not.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me âDo you need help?â
I said, âYes, but Iâm here to get whiskey instead.â
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, âI can make the boss give me the day off.â
The man asks, âAnd how would you do that?â The woman says, âJust wait and see.â She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, âWhat are you doing?â The woman replies, âIâm a light bulb.â The boss then says, âYouâve been working so much that youâve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.â The man starts to follow her and the boss says, âWhere are you going?â The man says, âIâm going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?â
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does itâŚ
He's gay, definitely gay.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obamaâs Fault
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
In Alabama, we donât do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
I didnât always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a ÂŁ20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a ÂŁ20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another ÂŁ20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get ÂŁ1980 in used ÂŁ20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!