Obviously…
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
Y’all might think that old people are boring
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
My korean friend died last week
So Yung