OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day