I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says βmum Iβve just peed out a bulletβ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says βmum youβll never guess whatβ which she replies with βlet me guess you peed out a bulletβ which he replies with βno, I was masturbating and I shot the dogβ.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
My wife left me because Iβm too insecure
No wait, sheβs back She just went to make a cup of coffee
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
One manβs trash is another manβs treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…Iβm one of them.
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment…
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, βI bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.β The blonde thinks, βI bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.β The Frenchman thinks, βI bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.β The Englishman thinks, βI canβt wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.β
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.