[OC] Guess The Pun #46 – A Letter-ary Classic
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
A married couple goes to the fair…
The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50." So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50." So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees. The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?" The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
![[OC] Outy Audi](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/ppzqtyvwpb121-400x300.jpg)
They have been putting these up every day at work. This was the worst one so far
https://ift.tt/2VYOgkt
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted