[OC] Guess The Pun #48 – Watch the sideeye, Sass-lan…
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
Whatās the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven cās (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says āWhat music do you listen to?ā
The turbine says āIām a massive heavy metal fanā
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were chĆ¢teau-strophic.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
āPhil!ā She shouts in panic, āPlease be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.ā āYou wonāt believe it, Doris,ā he replies. āItās not just one car; itās hundreds of them!ā
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, āHey, Dave! How ya doinā?ā His wife is puzzled and asks if heās been to this club before. āOh no,ā says Dave. āHeās on my bowling team.ā When they are seatedā¦ A waitress asks Dave if heād like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and saysā¦ āHow did she know that you drink Budweiser?ā āSheās in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.ā A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:ā¦ āHi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?ā Daveās wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone elseā¦ But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,ā¦ Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, āLooks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.ā
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said ādonāt worry, Iām a professional – Iāve seen it all before. Just tell me whatās wrong and Iāll check it out.ā I said āmy wife thinks my dick tastes funny.ā
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
My dad says we shouldnāt reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
https://ift.tt/3aWnEFZ
Whatās the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
Right enough of these ā2020 visionā jokes
I donāt want to make a spectacle of myself
3 dogs walk into a bar ..
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!" The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?". The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?" "No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
Itās where I flip your MOM over.
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A