[OC] Guess The Pun #50: Dance like No Bun is Watching
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
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Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.