(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger
are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of." Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor." They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical." Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously." Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?" Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer." Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!" Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
6:30 is my favorite time of the day
Hands down
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”