[OC] I’m so sorry
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
What’s black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s keys in the door. “Stay where you are”, she said. “He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice”.
The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process – he is still passed out – they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
What sort of music does bubble wrap not like?
POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."