Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
Bold to assume
to assume
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…"
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married