[OC] Why shouldn’t you use your cell phone while traveling in Italy?
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
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Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
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I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
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