Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car…
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?” The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.” And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?” “Only when he’s been drinking.”
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
A presidential aide says to Trump; “Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night.”
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Was preparing for interview
Was preparing for interview
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!