Of all the inventions in the world the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
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Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
Why can you get arrested if you tell Optimus Prime a joke?
Vehicular man’s laughter.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
this
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I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Duck fart
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
