Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
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What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
“Sorry boss, I won’t be coming in today for the big meeting,” I told my manager.
"Why's that?" he asked. I said, "Yes, very wise.'
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
