Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
I once went on a date with a cross eyed girl
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
A new Navy recruit on his first day posted in A Submarine …
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!