of course, obviously.
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Does anyone feel like this as well?
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"