Of storks deliver little babies, what delivers big babies?
Cranes
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
Ninten-doh!
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what her diary said
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
I asked my wife if she would wear gloves if she had no hands? She said – ermmm nooo..
Then why are you wearing a bra?
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A man Has died, WE NEED to Pump MORE FACEBOOK into him. I don’t understand this.
https://ift.tt/35u2JYe
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale, "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to… "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long. With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows