Ofc the force and not the coefficient….
This picture was taken at my local Costco. We’re doomed folks.
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
Never going back
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
I’ve tried making my own boomer comic
They wear sunglasses because they have no souls.
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Takes an artist to make proper UML tbh
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
comment your code!
I do inquire
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
Uncle Acid says
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
For the n-th time, that’s not what we do
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
How to catch a Dorobō
Wife bad cheating good
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
It’s from 2017 but still relevant
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.” Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies….. “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!” “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
Just ask my parents
Which force takes leave on Feb 14?
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
Loci construction vs gamma radiation maths vs science
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
It do be like that
Boomer shower thoughts
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Corporations are exploiting essential workers with out health insurance…
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
Deadlier than Corona
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
Cambrian confusion time
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Very well said
Republicans in a NUTshell
Do you want to see a TCP/IP meme?
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Gotta one those libs
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
You know its true.
Protest is bad except when I do it
What most of us will look like on thanksgiving day.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
for(int c = 0; c < arr.length; c++)
Organic chemistry be like
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
Tough choice for the MAGA hats