Off by 24 error
Four Men Went Golfing Together
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
What’s the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory?
They give it two test tickles.
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Ice cream truck in the hood
Ice cream truck in the hood
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
No text found
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.